Are You Really There? I Have Been Depressed For A

Are you really there? I have been depressed for a really long time. So many tough things have happened over the last few years....my Mom died from Alzheimer Disease in 2011 and my sister and I cared for her at home until the end....my husband had terrible health issues and was in the hospital over 200 days in one year and he died at Christmas 2015. Work is beyond stressful. I have been seeing a therapist for a couple of years I know what you are thinking....now there's a real whiner. I know huh? I just wonder how long is this going to last? I know you have no magic answer and I'm probably typing to a guy who is in his boxers and bathrobe, eating pizza who lives with his Mother (no disrespect) but I wonder sometimes is this the way life is? I feel like I am suffocating and I can't seem to get going....I spend entire days in bed. I can't do anything right....just ask my manager, she will agree. I just have no hope. I know Drama Queen. But I'm not kidding I just don't. I like my therapist but for many, many reasons that have only to do with me do I find it hard to trust him. He knows this. I cry a LOT. I am on two antidepressants lamictal and trazadone. I can't sleep yet all I want to do is stay in bed. Last week I missed work because I couldn't get out of bed. I finally did only because I had an appointment with my therapist....how ironic. I find it hard to face the day because they are all so bad. I'm close to my sister, Gail, and have a group of friends that are incredible people. I worry that they would be disappointed in me if they knew how bad I felt. I've talked a little to my sister and she and my brother-in-law have been awesome opening there home where I sometimes "hide" on weekends. I just can't do this forever honestly I don't see anything to look forward to. I cringe at the idea of more years of this. If I could shake it off I would. Does depression have to last forever? I have had so many negative things happen...my brother-in-law died at my house Christmas Day 2013 and then on Christmas 2015 my husband tells me he quit dialysis and he died 2 days later. He had been so very angry at me for so long, he really hated me. I don't know why. He even told me he hated me. We didn't even get to say good-bye and these are memories I will always have. I don't know what I have done that has been so wrong in my life that this is what I get for it. There are times I just feel like I can't go on you know? I don't have the thoughts or the words to tell you how I feel. I know I'm probably taking up too much space here and my ramblings don't make sense....you ought to be in my head! I just don't think I can take anymore. I'm just sunk. Please, if you are reading this don't laugh at me. I know I will never know if you do or not but please don't. Thanks for listening and maybe reading to the end. Sharon

And I get to the end and find out it costs $15. Wow, awesome. Have a nice life, someone should.