HI So Im A Recovering Addict, I Was Addicted Mainly

HI so Im a recovering addict, I was addicted mainly booz, opiates. Last November I ended u in hospital for quite some time as I went in with a 6" blood clot. They performed surgery removed it and put two cardiac stents in my wrist where the blood clot was. They didnt improve blood flow and was told my thumb and finger would were going to basically die. I begged for someway to save them and he said no. Now as soon as it started I went straight to the hospital so they had the full "time limit of 24-36hr" to save it. to start I was told we had to wait till the necrosis starts taking over that we couldnt amputate until it stops. Well let me tell you fingers shriveling up and dying while they are attached to you still is a excrutating experience I asked on many occassions to just take the whole thumb and finger now as I was staring to think suicidal thought the pain was so bad. he told me wed have to wait.....in the meantime he gave me pretty much nothing for the pain. a month later he finally schedukled the appointment to amputate . So after all everything is said and done he leaves half my forfinger intact. which almost instantly became my new hell the finger or whats left of it is pulling my finger sideways, to where it feelslike its ripping away from the rest of the hand, this is excrutaing and has created like a little pocket in my hand that just wont stop cramping unbelievable bad. I havent been eating as much or sleeping, I cry all the time for the physical pain, the emotional pai, and the spiritual pain. Im having weird nightmares of just like hacking it off or sawing it off. wich is terrifying but always after when thinking about the horrible nightmare, I consider the Idea for real.

My doctor At home(moved about 3 months ago to a new province and city.) and my methedone doctor here in Saint John pretty much said same thing..."are tey wanting to do a prosthetic or something?"....I say no and they say " because the endon that was attached to the finger is way to strong and will cause problem....ie: ME!
They say the injury is likely because of IV drug use...wich I would tend to agree. while I was in the hospital I was traeted like dirt, like as if I took a saw and cut them of myself, with the only purpose of creating more work for them. They should understand more than most people mental health and addiction. I made a choice a over a decade ago at that time yes. I did take that fist drug, and I undersdtood the risks, only heres the problem, and that was me. I was smarter than the rest I could nad would beat it, almost like a sick game..

Id like to know, is it likely the doctor knew what he was doing and decided to play god and punish me with excrutiating pain.....he did make me suffer a month for them to go necrotic wich i now know isnt true, he could have done the amputation right away, hes just a sick bastard whos gets off playing god. could he have put a man made artery in, or anything else?

And also any advice on finding a doctor to manage my pain, I cant live like this much longer something is going to have to give. REgardless of my addiction does that damn me to a life off hell( by the way Im clean just over a year since last october) even a addict is a person, I cant live like this if it was anyone else it deffinetly warrants pain treatment. whats your opinion and advice on how to make this happen ?