Hi I M 35 F And I M Single. I

Hi
I m 35 f and I m single. I have been in many relations in my past. The problem is I feel desire for sex maybe and I can't do it due to my persnol reasons but n I try not to mastrubate but unfortunately I m un able to do that. And I cry in pain like hell. If I see any romantic movie my heart ache , feels like holding the pen in my hand and scratching the paper hardly. I m not sure I m sexholic or I need that romantic touch. Cause I always used to mastrubate even after having sex with partner. It was always difficult to come during that. I just don't know I m going crazy out here .. Plz help