I Am 33, Female, Was Sexually Abused At Age 5,

I am 33, female, was sexually abused at age 5, went into frequent rages as a child and was a compulsive liar from a young age. I am diagnosed BPD but I want to know if there is more.

I can sit in a group of new people and be the centre of everything, tell grandiose stories, lie to get attention/sympathy and act like whoever they want me to be so I can get whatever it is I want from them at the time; I will think I am so much smarter and better than they are, how stupid and gullible they are to believe what I am saying, and have no respect for them. I will mirror and mimic the one I want to fuck/be best friends with. They like hip-hop? I will tap my feet slightly every time a hip-hop song comes on the stereo, making sure they notice (which they will, they were already looking at me!). I will be very helpful.. but not to be nice, I do it so I can later ask for something and they cannot say no. I steal and cheat people close to me who I have devalued, then I move on or just block out what I did if I need to continue being friends with them. During these times (most of the time) I am emotionally numb and very bored.

Other times, I fully believe that those same new people hate me, do not want me, and I completely withdraw and even rock back and forth, dismissing everything people say to me as a lie; I believe that they are looking at me like they are cross with me, that they are talking behind my back, and I literally want to die. I am paranoid, my emotions are racing and I need a drink/drugs/sex to stop feeling. I become overly helpful in a desperate attempt to win them over, and feel disgusting for thinking for a moment that I was better than them/for cheating (on) them, often to the point of self harm and suicidal ideation.


Yet.. I also find that a lot of the time I don't truly "care" about others. It annoys me that people want to be comforted. Only I deserve comforting, except for the times when I don't lol.. I idealise and devalue myself more than I do anyone else! When they talk I just listen then end the conversation as soon as possible. I feign caring a lot. It's funny to me that no one has ever picked up on it. I think I do care about my old and dear friends.. well, I get into a rage when someone else takes advantage of them. Does that mean I care? Or just that I have irrationally placed anger?

I know I have loved people and has my heart broken twice (or maybe it is just intense clinginess and my fear of abandonment haha), so I must know how to care. I care (or obsess?) a lot what about others think of me.

Apart from three longterm friends who have put up with all of my shit over the years, and are patiently waiting for me whenever I need to use them for something, I tend to change groups of friends about once per year, sometimes less. I get bored of them once I figure them out - that's when they stop being entertaining to me, as I believe I know them completely.. And they're always fucking boring losers lol. They are not so much a "source of supply" as they are simply entertainment value to fill up how boring the world is. And of course, they are never anywhere near smart enough to be considered a "close" friend so dumping them is never an issue.

Honesty has never been of any importance or value to me. It is literally just a word. I have lied about the death of a boyfriend so I did not have to explain the real reason for my emotions (and to garner sympathy of course - that was one HELL of a hall pass, and a bit of a thrill too, I must say). I also lie outrageously to see if anybody will call me out on it, or to see how far I can push someone. I lie because it's normal and I'm used to it. I lie because it is comforting. I lie for fun. I lie to make my life seem more exciting, because I hate myself so often. I lie to get out of anything bad, ever. I will tell any lie in order to get out of doing something I do not want to do. And I won't feel any remorse. Just relief, and pity for the dumb idiot who bought it. But I am for the most part a very strsightforward, down-to-earth person.

I wish I could just sit down and be alone with myself, relaxing, doing nothing. I really do. But I can't. That is my version of hell. I crave constant drama, attention, company, excitement, drink/drug highs and engaging in reckless behaviour. But I don't do it to "feel" something like sociopaths do, because they cannot "feel". I feel too much. I hate emotions, they get in the way of life and I wish they'd fuck off and die. I engage in these behaviours to NOT feel the extreme emotions that I cannot control.

The need to control or block out emotions dictates my life. Employment, finances, well.. all responsibilities take a back seat and always have. I am a kleptomaniac and immense spendthrift. I have never saved anything in my life, even when I was a kid I was stealing from my mother's purse and never able to save my own spending money for family holidays.. I just assumed someone would give me some. And they always did. People give me everything I want. Except love haha!

I have been in four serious relationships and I was a completely different person in each one. I have been an abusive drunk, a sexy "other woman", a fake subservient housewife and was actually recently duped by..... A sociopath! Only for three months though. Some dumb fucks stay for 20 years before they realise, I have read. I had a feeling from the beginning but wanted it all to be true so ignored the red flags, and of course craved the abuse as I did not have to self destruct.

And to contradict myself yet again.. I am a vegan and feel an empathy towards animals, as they do not have a voice and I believe someone needs to stand up for them. I cannot bear thinking about the cruelty they endure. It is something I have always felt strangely passionate about and it all brings me instantly to tears.

What does this allllllll meeeeannnnnn????? In my opinion, it doesn't add up to just simply being borderline. I am aware that Cluster B personality disorders are a spectrum and that being diagnosed as having one disorder does not exclude someone from having other traits from further up the spectrum. Any thoughts?