I Apologize If This Is Rather Lengthy. In 2002 I

I apologize if this is rather lengthy. In 2002 I felt something was wrong, I was 28 at the time. I went to my doctor and requested that I have an MRI. The MRI showed a 0.5cm area where I had a CVA. The radiologist stated that it appeared old. Since I was 16 years old I have had what I thought to be derealization, depersonalization, panic disorder and depression. I related all of this to the use of marijuana when I was a teenager. However, 25 years later I still have all of these symptoms. Most people describe their depersonalization and derealization as coming and going. Mine does not, mine is constant and I feel it everyday there is no break and I do not get my so called reality back and havent in 25 years. I cannot and do not take nay medications because of a severe phobia that I will die. Anything I take makes my derealization more intense and more frightening and the panic is overwhelming with me screaming, yelling, cant breath, feel numb, cant swallow, racing heart. Yes, all the symptoms of a panic attack. However, the panic is brought on by the intense feeling of disconnection in my head. It is hard to explain and most people including doctors do not understand my description or what this feeling could be. I have been sent to a psychiatrist for medication for panic and depression but again, I wont take anything. The only thing I ever have taken was 0.25mg xanax and even with that I would break it into fourths which is about 0.06 of a tablet. At times it did help or at least I thought it maybe did. I am not sure. At times in my life I have lived okay with my complete disconnect from this world and the panic lessened, somewhat. However, since October of 2014 the derealization has become so bad it has been hard for me to function in life. It is hard to have a conversation at my job with my co-workers and residents when I am so disconnected. I feel uncomfortable and out of place. It is disabling and I don't want this. I am 41 years old, I have a good career and I don't want to hibernate in my home because I can't function in society because of this fuzzy, unreal feeling I live with on a daily basis in my head. I suppose my question is. Is it possible that a stroke in the occipital lobe could cause derealization? If so is there anything I can do about it. Or is it like I have been told, a psychiatric condition? Who can I see are there experts? I will fly or drive anywhere to get help. I just need to know where and how.