I Hate Ssri And Suffer Depression Anxiety And Apparently Bpd

I hate ssri and suffer depression anxiety and apparently bpd cant have orgasms cant sleep have ibs sjogrens and fibromialgia what the heck can I do and the only time I act on suicide thoughts I am on meds and now I have resorted to drinking some beer and I hate alcohol and I cant work and I dont have family support or friends because I dont work and am sick alot...have been used by a man for sex and only attract broken men who see I am volnerable and now I really need a good husband I am using cbd taking pain away and awake but very lonly and mostly try to sleep cause I got no life I am 48 and dont have the youth of a perception that life will get better...I had a good job judicial clerk but got tendonitis and my supervisor moved my job to family law on purpose cause she knew my back ground was schizoprenic mom and very much physical abuse I witnessed from alcoholic step father...my sister was a baby I was 5 when she left him and I became the parent...my sister started leaving homebat age 12 and she put me through hell cause she abused alcohol drugs had a child and now I am out of the picture she is finally married and my neice age 23 now was close to me but not since I ended up off work and sick...by the way I had to take care of my dad when he had cancer and died and his schizophrenic wife #4 then my horse died then my 4 dogs died then I go to u of a 18 week day program which destroyed me then I go to that family law job and on the anniversary of my bday dad dying etc insurance is out of picture and the employer was definatly picking at me all day every day...other left after I had to cause of what they did to me and put it on paper for hr to know what truly happened...now I am very nervouse and have issues learning...cant read listen to music or watch tv...just watch nature and now WHAT THE HECK KIND OF MEDS ARE THEY GOING TO PUT ME ON this is terrible and I WANT TO GO TO TORONTO TO TRY THEIR NEW BRAIN STIMULATION THERAPY I HATE DRUGS AND ALCOHOL and its my time to be on the news with a success story NO DRUGS I HAVE BEEN THROUGH HELL and I have no money but you gotta help get me there PLEASE ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! And I am not stupid or manipulative just cant live like this since 2009 HELP PLEASE