I Have A Weird Want To Have Mental Disabilities. I

I have a weird want to have mental disabilities. I want to be ill and I don't know why. I want to feel like I have an illness, and I want to experience all of the side effects. I also have a fear of having certain mental illnesses. Not certain as in a particular illness, just certain as in I want to have them but I don't. I don't know why. I hate the idea of hurting the people I love and I hate fighting verbally or physically with anyone. I always think I have mental disabilities because I always look up different ones and find that I actually do have a lot of the symptoms and that I'm not just thinking I do. I know I have social anxiety, my doctor confirmed it, but I fear that I have OCD though I'd also be okay if I did. I reread everything I write or read a thousand times and I feel like I have to help everyone around me all of the time and that I'm not doing enough for them. I think the worst part about all of this is that I never want my family to know I feel this way and I don't want help. But, I DO. Please help me.