I Just Tuned 17 Female And Since I Was About

I
just tuned 17 female and since I was about 12 I've always felt like the odd ball out in my family I am vary different from everyone else and I honestly believe I think differently then most. If I ever tell my mom what I've done to myself what I been thinking and feeling bad things will happen. No one can know. When I'm at home I can't control my anger and when I do get mad I think about really bad things like killing myself or others. I take everything to heart and when something is said or done I nit pick it and think about it until its drives me crazy and becomes so negative it won't leave my head. I've been in and out of depression and I stop cutting because I don't won't people to look at me and feel bad I don't want attention or anyone to feel bad. My mom believes people cut and listen to "emo" music does it for attention but I believe music is an escape for people and that music shouldn't be judge but hey that's me. Everyone sees me as this happy cheerful girl but that's the side they see I can go from happy to mad really fast for no reason and when I'm alone I cry for no reason. Ive been putting on a fake smile for people so long that I almost start to believe its real until its time for me to sleep at night. My mind never shuts off I think about my past, present and future and there always negative thoughts but some how I can go to school and seem so happy. I've never had a boyfriend and I want one so bad but I feel like everyone is the same or is looking for the same thing and so I have dreams and these dream make me happy so I sleep every chance I get to escape reality, stress,anger issues , depression and what ever else I have. I hate the way I look and I wish I could be someone else. I honestly don't even know how I'm still alive because what I'm saying right now isn't even the beginning but I won't waste my time or yours. I just need help and I have no one to go to no money to get help Nothing and if this doesn't work I'll just be another teen who commits suicide for what ever reason. Tell me what's wrong with me.