I Planned Out To Commit Suicide Few Month Ago, No

I planned out to commit suicide few month ago, no one knows. Thinking that I will be dead in few weeks, I kinda became a drop out. Skipped school and classes, drank and smoked. I do not know what’s wrong with me. I couldn’t pull through with it and after that I triedconvinced myself that life would get better, I had to lie to myself because since I didn’t get through with taking my own life I needed a reason to keep me here. I am lost.