Its Difficult To Say But I'm At War With My

Its difficult to say but I'm at war with my mind. I feel separated from myself, I feel like my brain and my body are not in sync. I have bi polar disorder and take medication. I have stopped taking my meds because I can literally feel myself getting stupid. I take depokote, remeron, and seriquil. I need to know if my symptoms are from the meds. I hate my life I hate who I am I hate myself and I wanna die. I'm always so sad. Deep in my spirit. Real deep in my spirit. I have no dreams . no goals I often have to cry by myself alone so nobody sees. My inner heart is consistently fighting my consciousness i wanna scream at the top of my lungs.I want these feelings to leave. I just can't help but feel empty inside. Alone. I have been this way since I was a child but I don't want to die. I love life but I can't stop thinking about it. Its there. Its always there. My meds help but I can't hold a conversation on them.I can't think straight not to mention I feel like my body's shutting down. I understand meds can cause drowsiness. But I feel my brain turning off. I get scared because I've almost fainted plenty of times.I have also seen people who take these meds for years and they all look sick and diseased. I hate being admitted to these hospitals also. I don't want a psychiatrist thats going to keep me for months to test medication. I believe if I go back at this point I was threatened with a automatic year hold. What's wrong with me. I just want to smile like everyone else is. I'm am two separate people fighting for help. But if I wasn't here what would it matter. I'm nobody and the world wouldn't even notice me gone. How much of my feelings are me and how much of it is the mental disorder and being off the the meds. What is are purpose. I'm sorry don't mean to waste your time. In a few hours you won't even remember this message. I'm just another loser with nothing better to do. Can the medications make me dumb? Can it destroy my mind. Am I going to be another young adult drooling on myself because I'm supposed to take the medication. Thanks for any help you offer. I wish I was important like a doctor too. atleast life would feel more meaningful. Have a nice day