Are Vaginal Dilators A Good Suggestion To Deal With Symptons Of Vaginismus?

Question : I either have vaginismus or simply a phobia of vaginal penetration. In any case I have never had sexual intercourse, nor have I ever had a successful pelvic exam or pap smear when I was awake. I've never used tampons either.

I don't recall ever being sexually abused with any penetration when I was a child, but I did grow up with a religion that very much taught that sex was "bad." Then when I was about 18 I had some sort of pain near my ovary and I went to a gynecologist. I was terrified, first that I had cancer (I obviously didn't) but then of the doctor. It was really awful. She was mean. She tried to insert the speculum into me and I panicked. Instead of being nice about it, she yelled at me and called me names. And even though I couldn't relax at all, she just kept trying to push the speculum in. It hurt a lot. She finally gave up and I obviously never went back.

After that I tried twice to do one...once with a lot of xanax. I still couldn't do it. About 8 years ago I had some abnormal bleeding and I ended up having a D & C under general anesthetic. While they were in there they did a pap smear and at my request removed my hymen, because the idea of it breaking during sex freaked me out.

I have not had sexual intercourse, but I am not asexual. I have done quite a few other things, including skin to genital contact. I have had multiple partners. I don't think my chance of having HPV is very high, but I suspect it isn't zero either from what I have been reading, and pap smears are recommended here for women of my age, regardless of sexual history.

Plus I really want to get over this stupid thing. I don't actually care too much about sex...but I hate going to the doctor and having them lecture me about not having a pap smear. That really stresses me out.

What I have done after some research was purchase a set of graduated vaginal dilators. I don't know why exactly, but I have trouble finding the vaginal opening sometimes with them. I know that sounds weird. But once I find it I can insert the first one and then sometimes the second one (which is about the diameter of a finger). I do use lube. It doesn't hurt exactly, but it feels kind of icky and I dislike it. I have to very consciously force myself to relax. It is difficult, but I'm pretty suborn, so I'm going to get there.

Now finally my questions:

How big of dilator do I need to be able to get in there before the speculum doesn't feel huge? How far does it have to open? How far inside is the cervix? Does it usually hurt?

Does this sound like vaginismus? Is there any chance that there is something wrong with me physically? Like my vaginal opening doesn't stretch enough or something? Or is this completely psychological?

Do you have any other tips that would make this easier, or at least doable? In the past I've freaked out and made them stop, but that was prior to ever even trying a dilator.

I wasn't asking for sexual advice. I think it's highly unlikely that I will ever like traditional vaginal penetration sex. I also know that there is no law or medical guideline that says that I have to. My partner doesn't want it either, so I am good there.

I don't want to have a pap smear either. There is, however, a guideline that says I should be having pap smears every three years or pap smears and an HPV test every five.

It looks like the US is in the process of considering changing the guidelines so that a woman can choose to have just an HPV test and skip the pap smear. Would that be easier? Is it possible to do an HPV test without using a speculum or does that swab have to go further in as well?

Are there nerves on the cervix? Can you feel the part where they scrape off part of it? Is there less sensation with the HPV test?