Question: Hi,
My wife is constantly offering my 2.5 year old daughter options (several) on everything. My daughter's response seems to be repeated tantrums, that usually last under 2 minutes.

Also, when I'm at home alone with my daughter, I USUALLY give her no options, we just DO. This seems to result in few or NO tantrums.

I'm a stay-at-home dad, and my daughter can be perfect all day long, but when my wife gets home from work, every question/option my wife has results in my daughter crying.

Differences between how we care for my daughter:

With me - my daughter MUST where her bib at meal times, and she feeds herself, does not cry, & generally gets no food on her bib.

With my wife - at meal times my daughter doesn't have to wear her bib, doesn't have to stay seated, cries several times through the meal, and she casually wipes food on her shirt & in her hair.

Also, my daughter usually refuses the food my wife gives to her (even with options), which is the very same food(s) I feed to her with no problems.

Please help! My daughter's tantrums are getting worse, and much more frequent.

Sincerely

Dr. Gurabardhi,

Thank you for your quick response & advice.

I have fears because my daughter's tantrums are getting worse, and more frequent. I just read an article online called 5 Tantrum Red Flags. This article had a link to your website for advice. These Red Flags for tantrums warned of possible psychiatric problems in toddlers.

Some further history on my daughter ...

When I'm holding my daughter at Mass and she starts to get fussy, I would leave the pew with her and stand in a side isle, for usually under 120 seconds. I would then return to the pew, and my daughter would be good for another 20 minutes (or longer). No tantrums involved.

My wife STOPPED holding my daughter briefly in a side isle, and just began taking her back to the narthex of the church, where my daughter now runs around and plays for the duration of the Mass.

Now, when we arrive at the church parking lot, I am not even allowed to take my daughter out of her car seat. If I try, she goes into a massive tantrum, with tears & snots coming out of her nose. And there's NO chance of me holding her during the Mass. Mommy = playtime vs. Daddy = no playtime.

And the thing is, she still throws massive tantrums with my wife in public, which is EXTREMELY EMBARASSING. Any intervention by me at that point, just makes the tantrum get far worse.

Another example:

When I would go shopping with my daughter, if she would start to get too fussy in the shopping cart, I knew this meant I was probably looking at an item for too long. And if she ever got really fussy, I would just do a lap around the store. Not a problem. No tantrums involved.

Recently, my wife just starting taking my daughter out of the shopping cart whenever she gets fussy. When a 2.5 year old is running around a store, pulling items off shelves, and running into other people's shopping carts, it makes shopping IMPOSSIBLE.

Now, many times, when I TRY to go shopping with my daughter, I can't even get her into a shopping cart because she goes into TANTRUM mode. And even if I do get her into a shopping cart for a little while, she still will throw a tantrum if I don't let her get out of the cart once she starts to get fussy.

It is near impossible to take her shopping with you now. Which has made our lives VERY COMPLICATED. My daughter now decides what will happen, and what will not happen.

The suggestions you have given are very good advice. However, the following is why there is opposition to your good suggestions.

When you ask my daughter SEVERAL questions, or give her SEVERAL options, it will throw her into a tantrum. Despite this, my wife refuses to stop giving her options. My wife will even interrupt any period of contentment our daughter might have, with a series of questions from out of the blue. So my wife has made avoiding THESE triggers, impossible.

Once you see the smallest sign of a tantrum from my daughter, it is impossible to distract her from it. If you give her a toy she will throw it to the ground. Even if you give her a BINKY, she will throw it to the ground in anger.

If you try to hug my daughter during a tantrum, she will push you away with all her might. And if you persist, it will make the tantrum worse.

When my daughter has recovered from a tantrum, and is back in a state of "grace," no matter how lovingly you try to explain to her that she shouldn't have had the tantrum, she starts crying.

Unfortunately, I cannot mention any of this to my daughter's physician, because that would definitely throw my WIFE into a tantrum.

Our daughter is our only child, so we really have nothing to gauge her behavior against. But I have definitely lost sleep, worrying about the severity of what is going on. I am just worried about her future.

By-the-way, up until a couple of months ago, your suggestions worked perfectly.


Many thanks