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How To Handle A Sensitive, Emotional, Dominant And Always Stressed Out Spouse?
Question: I have been married 20 years and have 3 kids age 19 ,18,11, I have had 2 affair one started in 1992 and than I went to marry my current wife and saw her one more time after I was married for 2 months and had fling and than I ended in 1993, next was just a one time thing I was desperate for some business deal that was over in 2 days in beginning I realized my wife has in issue first she would never ever forget bad thing s that happened I between us and she will always remind me that, and she would never ever appreciate s any thing I do for her or kids, always tell me iam not doing this or that, if I go on vacation she will always says the thing I did not do forget about any things I do like we are in five star hotel and breakfast was over by ten she wont get up and if I ate alone she was mad even though she will go eat out in next hours or so , I spend money like water and she said that all you do spend money ,I was searching for one day my last girl friend who I broke up after I got married and she move back to XXXXXXX back in 2002 or may 2006 and she saw on goggle that I was looking for her 8 years ago she put up big fight and I told her It was just out my curiosity and it was just instant thoughts I was just wondering what she s doing how many kids she had nothing else and she though I want her back I have not heard from her since 1993 . I will sitting with my family and would say some thing and she will take my words out of context and make such bad out come of it and I will like wtf , iam very open minded and say what ever I have in mind and iam very clean hearted and never remember negative things I just move on , iam not perfect but I hold no grudges, cant never remember s thing of past she will ask hey why you said that back in 2007 I would not a damn thing and would have no collection of it, she always pull some thing out of past and will make big deal out of it, and will ask her how about last 5 years or last 10 years and she will say you said that to them iam like what the fck are you talking about where this come from? iam very generous that bother her eventhough I make tons of money and she has never had issue being short of an thing so the kids thaty are awesome, but she is so controlling of my kids it unbelievable she still my son what he can wear and what he cant he almost 20 , I am not close to him due to spanking him because of him disrespecting his mother . now I realize iam distant from due her b,s she came from family where her mother super strict she visit us from Canada and still beat up my wife, she was very mean to her daughter in law and her only son divorce her, my mother in law is also divorced, for 30 years or I hate her, her brother is 45 years old and is very book smart and has engineering degree but never speak up to her mom she always right for him , iam not educated but my wife is also I was never close to my father either, my daughter are fine and they are close to me, I don't want to divorce my wife but I can never get her over our past one day her mother told me that her daughter is super sensitive I think she has issues , I don't know what to do,
Brief Answer:
Possible and surely possible
Detailed Answer:
Dear XXXX
Welcome to HCM
We understand your concerns.
I went through the description. Description is very much exhaustive. I am emotionally moved. I can understand what transpires inside your mind. The kids (not so kids) did no sin, you did no sin, and somehow you four are not getting the love from the female head of family. That part is really sorrowful.
From the description, from your version, your wife seems to be sensitive, emotional, dominant and stressed out always. Mind you, all these four characteristics are detailed as four personality types by catell's 16 personality factor description. I shall say all the negative aspects of these four personality types combines together in your wife.
But I do see some positive attitudes in your wife. As you mention, she is a good mother. She is emotionally attached to her children, even though she does not show it. During certain circumstances she should be humble and accommodating. Tough minded and insensitive attitude do comes handy and positive at so many places and circumstances. I also see her patience level other than something not related to you. All the above positives (of course there shall be more and more) are part of the above mentioned personality types, and they are good.
Somehow, she is not able to fit with you. The problem is not your attitude. I can surely confirm. You or your attitude is not the problem here. The problem is her perception or understanding of you. Somehow she is always in confronting mood. Possibly only with you.
I suggest you analyze her attitudes with other people who frequently comes across in her life. Analyze with how many people associated with her, she behaves as she behaves with you. Also see, how irritant she is. How emotional she is. You already told that the children do not have any problem with her. Find out why? Love sees no sex or age. Collect all these data. These data shall come handy in future.
I sincerely think that the problems between you and your wife can be sorted out if tried sincerely. Family life is full of ups and downs. Almost 95% people get along and only 5% seek divorce in undeveloped countries. That is mainly because they value the values.
Mutual Understanding, mutual trust, love and affection are the key ingredients of any successful family life. If these are available then the life shall be perfect. I think you should talk to your wife once again (again and again). Convince her somehow. Take help of psychological counselors. Marriage therapists. Family friends. Everyone can be of assistance. Once you collect the data, the task shall be easy for you.
Get things moving. You have all the time in the world. Patience pays. I shall assure you that there is nothing you cannot solve through dialogue process even between foes. Here we are talking family. Possible and surely possible.
You can contact me with collected details in your follow through. Start the dialogue process and come back.
I wish good luck.
God bless you.
Possible and surely possible
Detailed Answer:
Dear XXXX
Welcome to HCM
We understand your concerns.
I went through the description. Description is very much exhaustive. I am emotionally moved. I can understand what transpires inside your mind. The kids (not so kids) did no sin, you did no sin, and somehow you four are not getting the love from the female head of family. That part is really sorrowful.
From the description, from your version, your wife seems to be sensitive, emotional, dominant and stressed out always. Mind you, all these four characteristics are detailed as four personality types by catell's 16 personality factor description. I shall say all the negative aspects of these four personality types combines together in your wife.
But I do see some positive attitudes in your wife. As you mention, she is a good mother. She is emotionally attached to her children, even though she does not show it. During certain circumstances she should be humble and accommodating. Tough minded and insensitive attitude do comes handy and positive at so many places and circumstances. I also see her patience level other than something not related to you. All the above positives (of course there shall be more and more) are part of the above mentioned personality types, and they are good.
Somehow, she is not able to fit with you. The problem is not your attitude. I can surely confirm. You or your attitude is not the problem here. The problem is her perception or understanding of you. Somehow she is always in confronting mood. Possibly only with you.
I suggest you analyze her attitudes with other people who frequently comes across in her life. Analyze with how many people associated with her, she behaves as she behaves with you. Also see, how irritant she is. How emotional she is. You already told that the children do not have any problem with her. Find out why? Love sees no sex or age. Collect all these data. These data shall come handy in future.
I sincerely think that the problems between you and your wife can be sorted out if tried sincerely. Family life is full of ups and downs. Almost 95% people get along and only 5% seek divorce in undeveloped countries. That is mainly because they value the values.
Mutual Understanding, mutual trust, love and affection are the key ingredients of any successful family life. If these are available then the life shall be perfect. I think you should talk to your wife once again (again and again). Convince her somehow. Take help of psychological counselors. Marriage therapists. Family friends. Everyone can be of assistance. Once you collect the data, the task shall be easy for you.
Get things moving. You have all the time in the world. Patience pays. I shall assure you that there is nothing you cannot solve through dialogue process even between foes. Here we are talking family. Possible and surely possible.
You can contact me with collected details in your follow through. Start the dialogue process and come back.
I wish good luck.
God bless you.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Prasad
Answered by
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