How To Manage Distress In Children Post Parental Separation?

Posted on Mon, 15 Jun 2015

Question: Is there any guidance a single parent can access to help him to determine whether and how to reintegrate into his children's lives their mother, who abandoned them, and has been completely out of touch for many years? The children are healthy brothers aged 5 and 6, who have lived together with their single father since they were around 1 and 1/2. They know their mother exists, but have not seen her except once, since then. They have regular close relations and visits with their other family members, including w their maternal grandmother.

Answered by Dr. Diptanshu Das (6 hours later)

Brief Answer:
The key is to be friendly, cooperative and playful

Detailed Answer:
Thanks for asking on HealthcareMagic.

I have gone carefully through the problem and understand the gravity of the situation. Parental separation causes distress in children and your chidren have been used to it, at least to a certain level. But by 5 or 6 years of age, they are still have some mouldability and so getting them onto you should not be a big problem. They can have their grievances but at this stage, the grievances are more likely to be short lived. At present, your identity can somewhat be vaguely familiar to them but you as an individual, simply are 'just another unknown person'. In such a context, imagine how well the children could have gone along with a person to whom they have been newly introduced. If the new person is of friendly nature, someone with whom the children can habituate with, they get along quite well. So, all you need to do at the moment is to relax and be their friend. Forget who you are. Take yourself to thier stage. You will love it. They will find out that their mother is not a bad person. They will love you back and your identity would be realized.

Hope that helps.

Regards
Dr. Diptanshu Das

Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar

Follow up: Dr. Diptanshu Das (10 hours later)

I am not the Mom, but the paternal Grandma. Are there any well established books my son can read, to help in this set of decisions? The Mother is a jailed drug user, and in the past was diagnosed as 'borderline personality disorder.' He is a forgiving person, but wants help to know whether and how to address his boys if their Nother continued to ask to contact them. She abandoned the oldest boy at 2, and the youngest at 8 mo.

Answered by Dr. Diptanshu Das (47 minutes later)

Brief Answer:
There is a large number of books and publications on the topic.

Detailed Answer:
Thanks for writing back. I am sorry that I was unaware of the situation in its entirety but am glad that you explained it.

There are numerous books on such subjects and a google research can be helpful in this regard. I can recommend reading the following:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201305/parent-child-reunification-after-alienation
http://www1.toronto.ca/City%20Of%20Toronto/Toronto%20Public%20Health/Healthy%20Communities/Newcomers/Files/pdf/S/supportingfamseparationreunification_rep_pt1_2014_aoda.pdf
http://www.yorku.ca/cohesion/LARG/PDF/Families_Bernhard_final_sep_12_05.pdf
https://steinhardt.nyu.edu/scmsAdmin/uploads/004/295/Family%20Process%202002.pdf
http://www XXXXXXX com/When-Parents-Part-Children-Separation/dp/0000X
http://www.kentfms.co.uk/images/Resolution%20Separation%20&%20Divorce%20Book.pdf

The latter two are on slightly different topics but can be helpful.

Regards

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Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar