Question: I am going through a difficult phase in my relationship and I sometimes get very anxious and even suicidal. There seems to be no solution to my problem. Please help

My boyfriend and I had decided to get married by 2014 after both of us get a decent job. We have been in a relationship for the past 7 years. He got selected for a premier government service in September this year. We live in different cities and meet every two or three months. My family knows about our relationship but he hasn't told his family yet. Everytime he keeps postponing this issue. MY parents are worried about my future and so am I. When I talked to him about this, he said that he is in a service full of ambitious people and cut throat competition. He wants to settle into his service first. And he says that there are many other issues he has on mind and doesn't want to enter into domestic life before he settles those issues. He says he has loans to pay and his family would consider him selfish if he just goes and talk to them about marriage now. But I dont understand this. I am completely capable and am earning myself. I am not going to be a burden or a liability on him. Instead I can help him with his responsibilities. And since the beginning we had always dreamed about getting married and being together always. His plans have suddenly changed and I am unable to bring myself to believe that I am a part of his plans. I tell him to atleast tell his parents about our relationship to which also he doesnt give a committing reply. And lately he has stared being distant and secluded. When I asked him he said that talking to me makes him feel that there is something binding on him to marry or get engaged and he feels that he cant make me happy until he agrees to marry me. I cannot understand why he can't decide on getting married. I feel that he is not sure about spending his life with me and he doesnt love me enough. I am not important for him. I on the other hand have taken all decisions of my life based on what shall be good for both of us and how can we begin our life together at the earliest. When I try to sleep, his words of love and care that he used to say to me 2 3 years back when things were good between us haunt me and I feel like I had been living in a fairytale and had rosy dreams of a future which will never be possible and I m afraid to dream again. I feel like I dont have an identity without him. I am afraid he might leave me and I dont know what I would do after that and what would my parents feel. It is like he has been there in my life for as long as I can remember and suddenly I am left alone in the dark.

We can't meet until February next year because he has to go on a tour.But we have tried to have a logical discussion about all this. He said that he wants to settle in and finish his training and then get married. He says he wants 1 and a half years from now. And he said that there is no question of not getting married to me and that he would be fortunate if I decide to wait for him and be his partner. I said I will wait. All of this is okay and perfectly logical. And I understand that he still wants to be with me and just needs a little time. I understand this now. But I dont know what happens to me suddenly sometimes. This happens mostly when I am trying to sleep or am sitting idle. Because of this I am not getting proper sleep also. I wish everything would go back to the way we planned them. We always wanted to be together at the earliest. Why has he changed now? Am I not as important for him now? And I am sad that we are not together. Isn't he? He is going out with friends and enjoying his life. Can he live without me if he loves me? And its a long train of such thoughts. Ultimately I get very anxious and thoughts such that nothing is left in my life come to me. Then I call him in the middle of the night. And I get hysterical. I say very mean things. Then he gets irritated and we fight. This has been happening for over a month now, when I feel everything is out of my control and my heart starts beating rapidly and my head starts pounding and I start sweating. When I am working I am normal. I am logical and I think that he is right in what he wants to do. But sometimes I just cant control myself. That is why I think there is something wrong with me and I need help.

I called him and apologized and things are okay now. I think we will be fine. I understand what you are saying about his responsibilities. And maybe he does need some time for his responsibilities. I am trying to take my mind off him and not dwell upon each and every small thing. For the past two days I have tried to sound cheerful on phone and I can see the change in his tone also. Sometimes I still get a little anxious but I am trying to brush those thoughts away. I will be fine slowly. I also thought yesterday that he is in a new environment and has responsibilities and until I am dependent on him I cant support him. I will take care of myself first and be happy. Thank you for talking to me.