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Question: Hi, . I need your help as i am feeling stuck and really not able to know what to do further. As far as my life and problems are concerned, it is as follows. I was 11 year old when i lost my father. My Mom has brought me and my sibling (elder sister and an elder brother). we were financially very poor at that time. My relatives at the starting helped us but then they started showing the attitude. My mom had suffered alot and faced so many problems for us. When i turned to 14, i came to know the bitter truth about my sister. My sister who was 19 at that time, was having a affair with my cousion's husband. It was really difficult for me to accept. i thought alot but could nt able to say it to mamma as i dnt want her to suffer more. Me and my mom are very close to each other. She loves me the most. That person helped us financially but me and my mom were neveer able to accept him as a person and because of that we started having tensions at home. One day me and my mom discussed about it (When i was 22) and we decided that we will not accept him. There used to be so many problems between my sister and my Mamma. i feel really bad that i could not able to save my mom from the abd words taht my sister used to say in anger. My sisier is very short tempored and after that incident i could not able to have a friendly relation with her as i always keep o thinking that she is lying. 2 yeras before we came to know that my mom is suffering from cancer and i lost her last year which has shattered me completely. The clashes between my Mom and my sister din't stop and it continued till we lose her. But my sister is the one who stays with my Mom at home as me and my borther are working. That person helped us very much at that time.i am full of guilt that i was not able to do anything for my Mom and could nt give her a healthy and happy life. Today, the problem is my sister wants me and my brother to get married and she wants us to settle down to abroad with her. But me and my brother are not able to accept this relationship and not able to get what should we do. We know she is our sister and she wants good for us but her relationship with that person is intolerable for us. We tried to tell her but she never listens to aynything and says what we are doing is right. i dnt knw i feel like if i tried to accept this relationship then might be i will hurt my Mom very much. I have no confidence left in me. I am completely broken. i want my sister to live happily. But we dont knw how we (me and my borther) will be able to adjust with both of them in one house. I am relly not able to understand whether i should just break all my relation with my sister or i should just accept it and leave it all on destiny. Please help. i really dnt wanna my mother upset with me. I miss her alot and could nt accept till now that she is no more. i keep on crying as of helplessnes..i hope i am able to understand you my problem.Please help. please i feel like i have done injustice to my mom as i could nt able to take a stand for her and becoz of which she died. i have started hating everyone.
I am not able to accept her relationship and i hate when they do something for me. I feel very bad and just feel i have lost my life and everything. I dont want to take any help from them. No idea what to do and how to move further.. As i m the one whowas always against her relationship and now i have to accept it as i could nt able to find any other option. Please advice what to do as i feel stuck and felt like killing myself.
I am not able to accept her relationship and i hate when they do something for me. I feel very bad and just feel i have lost my life and everything. I dont want to take any help from them. No idea what to do and how to move further.. As i m the one whowas always against her relationship and now i have to accept it as i could nt able to find any other option. Please advice what to do as i feel stuck and felt like killing myself.
Brief Answer:
Approach Life with the right attitude
Detailed Answer:
Dear XXXXXXX
Welcome to HCM
We understand your concerns
You are a working adult, capable woman. Please look into your abilities with which you continue to work and earn. You are working in an organization for some years and are doing very well. Your boss and counterparts are satisfied with your job performance and only therefore, you are continuing to work there.
That is a positive sign.
If you are really depressed / desperate as you describe here, you will feel that burden in your job side also. You may not be able to do the job properly. Take that positively. Therefore, I don't think you have any depression.
Second aspect your disappointment. You are disappointed with your sister's attitude and behavior. Such disappointment narrows down as stress and produces symptoms that equals depression.
You are going through this situation for many years. That simply means you are carrying this stressful thoughts for many years. That also means you have not learned anything from the circumstances.
There are two options. Either you change the circumstance or you adjust with the circumstance. If you don't do both, conflict, confusion, disappointment, stress etc are the result and now you are suffering.
You have to come out. Your sister is your sister. Not you yourself. She is a different entity. You can't live always with her. So why suffer by always thinking about her? You need to leave thinking about her and what she did.
Just be in her shoes for some time. What she will think? She always thinks that she is doing right. So she is right for her. Then you are thinking wrong for her.
In that case, how you are going to convince her? Forget it.
Now you need to live with her at the house, with your brother, till you get married. Do not accept her proposal to go abroad, because you will never be happy living with her, or taking favors from her.
Your brother knows what to do. He do not need your backing all the time. Just love him and let him live his life.
Do concentrate on your career. Love your job. Gain more and more knowledge in your career. Climb the career ladder. Marry. Once you marry, you can live separate. Then your life will change.
I am sure, you are a capable, brave and successful person. Your life will change, if you approach it with the right attitude.
God bless you
Dr. K V Anand PhD
Approach Life with the right attitude
Detailed Answer:
Dear XXXXXXX
Welcome to HCM
We understand your concerns
You are a working adult, capable woman. Please look into your abilities with which you continue to work and earn. You are working in an organization for some years and are doing very well. Your boss and counterparts are satisfied with your job performance and only therefore, you are continuing to work there.
That is a positive sign.
If you are really depressed / desperate as you describe here, you will feel that burden in your job side also. You may not be able to do the job properly. Take that positively. Therefore, I don't think you have any depression.
Second aspect your disappointment. You are disappointed with your sister's attitude and behavior. Such disappointment narrows down as stress and produces symptoms that equals depression.
You are going through this situation for many years. That simply means you are carrying this stressful thoughts for many years. That also means you have not learned anything from the circumstances.
There are two options. Either you change the circumstance or you adjust with the circumstance. If you don't do both, conflict, confusion, disappointment, stress etc are the result and now you are suffering.
You have to come out. Your sister is your sister. Not you yourself. She is a different entity. You can't live always with her. So why suffer by always thinking about her? You need to leave thinking about her and what she did.
Just be in her shoes for some time. What she will think? She always thinks that she is doing right. So she is right for her. Then you are thinking wrong for her.
In that case, how you are going to convince her? Forget it.
Now you need to live with her at the house, with your brother, till you get married. Do not accept her proposal to go abroad, because you will never be happy living with her, or taking favors from her.
Your brother knows what to do. He do not need your backing all the time. Just love him and let him live his life.
Do concentrate on your career. Love your job. Gain more and more knowledge in your career. Climb the career ladder. Marry. Once you marry, you can live separate. Then your life will change.
I am sure, you are a capable, brave and successful person. Your life will change, if you approach it with the right attitude.
God bless you
Dr. K V Anand PhD
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Vaishalee Punj
But I feel gulity that because of my wrong decision ita my mom and my brother has to suffer. I dont thnk I hv d optn of saying no of going abroad. I feel j hv hurt my mom and if I hv to accept this all I will be hurting my mom as we were and still are against it. I know she is my sistrr but just feel cnfusd whether I shouls break all my relation or just sit back and accept it..
Brief Answer:
You have to take a hard decision
Detailed Answer:
Dear XXXXXXX
Thanks for the follow up
I can understand your feelings and emotions
I can assure you, it is not the guilty feeling that you are worried about. But the conflict. Conflict of interests.
Let me explain. You have a horrible past. AGREED. Your mother did not accept your sister's attitude and relationship.AGREED. You and your brother also did not accept the relationship. AGREED. Your mother left for heavenly abode with the agony of your sisters relationship. AGREED. Now, if you accept your sisters relationship, that would be against your mothers wish. AGREED.
Now let me ask you, do you have another option than to break away from your sister?
I don't see any.
Here is your conflict of interests. Now you are asking me, whether to break up or to stay with your sister and go abroad. If I were in your shoes I would break up.
But you may criticize yourself throughout your life for what you have done to your mother, brother and yourself, so you can go with your sister abroad. If you feel that your mother will forgive you then you may do that. You don't want to be guilty throughout your life.
Here is where you have to take the decision. Take a decision and relax. Your conflict is delay in taking the right decision. I can assure you, you will be able to do it.
God bless you.
Dr. K V Anand PhD
You have to take a hard decision
Detailed Answer:
Dear XXXXXXX
Thanks for the follow up
I can understand your feelings and emotions
I can assure you, it is not the guilty feeling that you are worried about. But the conflict. Conflict of interests.
Let me explain. You have a horrible past. AGREED. Your mother did not accept your sister's attitude and relationship.AGREED. You and your brother also did not accept the relationship. AGREED. Your mother left for heavenly abode with the agony of your sisters relationship. AGREED. Now, if you accept your sisters relationship, that would be against your mothers wish. AGREED.
Now let me ask you, do you have another option than to break away from your sister?
I don't see any.
Here is your conflict of interests. Now you are asking me, whether to break up or to stay with your sister and go abroad. If I were in your shoes I would break up.
But you may criticize yourself throughout your life for what you have done to your mother, brother and yourself, so you can go with your sister abroad. If you feel that your mother will forgive you then you may do that. You don't want to be guilty throughout your life.
Here is where you have to take the decision. Take a decision and relax. Your conflict is delay in taking the right decision. I can assure you, you will be able to do it.
God bless you.
Dr. K V Anand PhD
Note: For further guidance on mental health, Click here.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Vaishalee Punj
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