Suggest Treatment For Less Expressive Nature Of My Husband

Posted on Mon, 14 Apr 2014

Medically reviewed by Ask A Doctor - 24x7 Medical Review Team

Mon, 14 Apr 2014 Answered on

Mon, 5 May 2014 Last reviewed on

Question : Hi Dr ,my husband of 14 years is constantly withholding emotion with me with the "silent treatment" when I ask him he would respond it is his way to express love in silence... It is damaging greatly my love for him. For example he is very expressive verbally with the love and tenderness for his mom or with our kids especially the youngest one.I feel unloved and neglected. Please can you give me any advice on it? Thank you! XXXX

Answered by Dr. Manisha Gopal (33 minutes later)

Brief Answer: was he like this from start or did he change later Detailed Answer: Hello, I can understand that there is a problem between you and your husband. Many people are less expressive verbally; but then they are like this with usually everyone around them. Please donot feel neglected..some.people need to be handled differently in order to change them for better. I need to know if apart from not having verbal expression - ---does he otherwise takes care of you?: fulfill your needs, helps you monetarily? --- how is his general behaviour with you? --- was he like this from.the start or there was a sudden change? -- how does he behave when you are unwell? Please donot loose heart, we can look into the matter properly and can find some solution to help the situation. Kindly answer in detail to the above questions. Wish you good luck Dr. Manisha Gopal MD Psychiatry

Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar

Follow up: Dr. Manisha Gopal (18 minutes later)

Dr XXXXXXX my husband takes care of me and the kids otherwise.it is emotionally he withdraws,but then I listen the way he talks with his mom or with our youngest son and I know he is depriving me from very important part in our partnership.he wasn't like this always it is gradually. I think he just plays it "safe' in silence. he doesn't have affair I would sense it. When I'm unwell he is also emotionally distant sometimes I think it irritates him. I feel sometimes that he expect me to be his mom always strong, well , ready to give love and support any time...we talk about it since long time and he hides with answers like: that's the way I'm, it is enough for me to know I love you, to feel it I don't need to talk about it... you are the one who likes to talk so if want to talk talk and let me be...so on. it is important to mention that his mom and father neglected my husband as a child tremendously. He forgave them but on some level I feel that he expects that from me to have with me what he missed in his childhood. I just forgot to say that I just demand from him to be plugged in on every level as my equal partner physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, to take active part in being my partner, my husband, my lover, my friend. It takes effort and work but not in silence.

Answered by Dr. Manisha Gopal (31 hours later)

Brief Answer: please read the explanation Detailed Answer: Hello You said that he has grdually become distant and he was not like this from the start. He is also close to youngest child and not other kids; can you guess the reason behind all this? I somehow feel that you have a hint as to why he choose to" play safe"?? An affair outside marriage has been ruled out completely, so there must have been some incident in your home itself, in past years which has lead to his current pattern of behaviour with you. Can you think of it? Now, taking that you are not aware of the reason and you have tried your level best in all decent possible ways to know his heart - im suggesting some ways. You have to understand that you need to be tough to start the process and have courage (and be ready for some problems to creep up at home too). As any change in direction of wind brings some turbulence, si dies any major change at home! So, be brave and take a stand for your self. This is the solution: You have to withdraw your helps, what little and big things you do for him, pretend that you are not in a mood or health to do them. Say that you cannot do all things all the time. Many times we come to understand the value of a person in our life when he/ she stops giving it to us. Similarly, when despite of wrong behaviours all services are provided, then the other person starts taking you for granted. Now, you have to make them understand that you are also a human being and have emotinal and physical needs apart from other materialistic things in life which he gives. Start making him realise your value in life by withdrawing your services from him. Im warning you in advance that initially he might retaliate, get angry or irritable, even his mother can become angry but you must stick to the plan. If you will become weak or get dishearten by his or his mother's anger then your situation might never change and even become bad. Im sure that by doing this consistently he will be forced to talk to you about the matter and give you the reason. He will also start to change his attitude towards you. Being a female never means that you have to compromise and scarifice your own desires. Make him realise your worth smartly and he will come back to you in the way you want. I hope the reply is useful please ask more questions for clarification. Dr. Manisha Gopal MD Psychiatry

Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar