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Suggest Treatment For Specialized Counselling Techniques For A Broken Marital Relationship
Question: Hello,
My husband and I have been together for 2 years and were married last May. He has a large family that all lives on the same road, their in each other's business. I have a small family that lives all over the USA, and they stay out of my business. My husband and I chose to get married in Napa Valley, away from our home in PA. Since we told his famliy we were not having a big wedding because my husband decided he didn't want that after going to his cousins wedding, of which, was somewhat of a disaster. We had a nice intimate party before we left to get married and invited close friends and family. His family was downright rude, angry and some of them came, sat our driveway and then left. When we returned, all hell broke loose. His Mother had a temper tantrum like a child. She had my husband at 15 and has had a career at Walmart, 4 children and will tell you upon meeting her how bad her childhood is. She enjoys being a mother, but most of all enjoys controlling her family. My husband does a very good job setting boundaries with them, we have made a lot of progress and even went to my inlaws for Christmas and took them to dinner prior. This has caused me nothing but stress. I am divorced, I was left, cheated on, and beaten once by an ex. I also am terrified of being stuck but also know you will never get over this if you don't give yourself and keep trying, with a bit more knowledge and a lot more confidence that I won't put myself in a bad situation. When we fight, we both get so angry that he has punched me in the throat. Knocked me against walls, furniture, smashed my face. Bruised my breast so badly I thought it broke. He has done it publicly at our campground and at home. Every single vacation we have taken except one, we have had a major fight about something irrelevant. I am starting to fight back, i have kicked him and threatened him and tried to hurt him back, I am not as strong. I am scared of him and decided to make him scared of me. We started to go to counseling in August. The social worker saw us both together and she was helpful, we made progress. We learned to put a door between us, cool down. My husband stopped drinking as much, and so have I. Regardless, we had another huge argument around Christmas, the holidays were completely stressful. I did everything my regular therapist suggested I don't do. She told me to worry about me, take care of myself, and not try to please everyone else for the holiday's. I did the opposite. Now I am angry. Just angy that I put myself in a position where I married a man whose family despises me, they acted like they liked me somewhat before we got married but their facade is over. I don't cater to them anymore, but tried really hard to have some holiday's at my house and make them feel welcome. I am frustrated. I am scared we may end up killing each other, and at this point I don't want to do anything but stop feeling angry, love him again and forgive him and he forgive me for all this pain that we un-intentionally caused. He is more willing and forgiving than I am but when he drinks he gets angry and so do I. I don't want to stop drinking some wine, but the heavy alcohol is a problem that we both recognize and have quit. I want to know if we are too fargone because we physicilly abused each other. I am so depressed that I wanted him to break my neck so he would put me out of my misery, so I don't have to be hurt by his family anymore, or anyone else. All people do is hurt me, and I am not a victim, I am simply worn out. Are we too fargone, or do we both try again? I don't want anyone or anything more than our marriage to work yet we both keep messing it up? I don't understand what starts it, neither of us ever remember what starts it but we end up crying, battered, and say mean horrible things just to hurt each other. Can you offer any steps that we have not tried, or your opinion for us? We are laying in bed crying and he says he loves me, but I don't think you can love someone then smash them in the face in a crazed fit of rage or other acts of violence from an otherwise not violant man. He said I bring out the jealous side in him, and a bad side in him because I am emotionally abusive. He doesn't make enough money and doesn't try as hard as he says he will and I think he is lazy and doesn't follow through which makes me not respect him professionally very much at all. In fact, I don't think we respect each other anymore, I don't know how to gain that back either. I need a starting point here, of I guess at 38 I throw in the towel, live alone again, and work all the time with nothing, no one but myself, friends and pets? Thank You kindly for your time and apologies for the length.
My husband and I have been together for 2 years and were married last May. He has a large family that all lives on the same road, their in each other's business. I have a small family that lives all over the USA, and they stay out of my business. My husband and I chose to get married in Napa Valley, away from our home in PA. Since we told his famliy we were not having a big wedding because my husband decided he didn't want that after going to his cousins wedding, of which, was somewhat of a disaster. We had a nice intimate party before we left to get married and invited close friends and family. His family was downright rude, angry and some of them came, sat our driveway and then left. When we returned, all hell broke loose. His Mother had a temper tantrum like a child. She had my husband at 15 and has had a career at Walmart, 4 children and will tell you upon meeting her how bad her childhood is. She enjoys being a mother, but most of all enjoys controlling her family. My husband does a very good job setting boundaries with them, we have made a lot of progress and even went to my inlaws for Christmas and took them to dinner prior. This has caused me nothing but stress. I am divorced, I was left, cheated on, and beaten once by an ex. I also am terrified of being stuck but also know you will never get over this if you don't give yourself and keep trying, with a bit more knowledge and a lot more confidence that I won't put myself in a bad situation. When we fight, we both get so angry that he has punched me in the throat. Knocked me against walls, furniture, smashed my face. Bruised my breast so badly I thought it broke. He has done it publicly at our campground and at home. Every single vacation we have taken except one, we have had a major fight about something irrelevant. I am starting to fight back, i have kicked him and threatened him and tried to hurt him back, I am not as strong. I am scared of him and decided to make him scared of me. We started to go to counseling in August. The social worker saw us both together and she was helpful, we made progress. We learned to put a door between us, cool down. My husband stopped drinking as much, and so have I. Regardless, we had another huge argument around Christmas, the holidays were completely stressful. I did everything my regular therapist suggested I don't do. She told me to worry about me, take care of myself, and not try to please everyone else for the holiday's. I did the opposite. Now I am angry. Just angy that I put myself in a position where I married a man whose family despises me, they acted like they liked me somewhat before we got married but their facade is over. I don't cater to them anymore, but tried really hard to have some holiday's at my house and make them feel welcome. I am frustrated. I am scared we may end up killing each other, and at this point I don't want to do anything but stop feeling angry, love him again and forgive him and he forgive me for all this pain that we un-intentionally caused. He is more willing and forgiving than I am but when he drinks he gets angry and so do I. I don't want to stop drinking some wine, but the heavy alcohol is a problem that we both recognize and have quit. I want to know if we are too fargone because we physicilly abused each other. I am so depressed that I wanted him to break my neck so he would put me out of my misery, so I don't have to be hurt by his family anymore, or anyone else. All people do is hurt me, and I am not a victim, I am simply worn out. Are we too fargone, or do we both try again? I don't want anyone or anything more than our marriage to work yet we both keep messing it up? I don't understand what starts it, neither of us ever remember what starts it but we end up crying, battered, and say mean horrible things just to hurt each other. Can you offer any steps that we have not tried, or your opinion for us? We are laying in bed crying and he says he loves me, but I don't think you can love someone then smash them in the face in a crazed fit of rage or other acts of violence from an otherwise not violant man. He said I bring out the jealous side in him, and a bad side in him because I am emotionally abusive. He doesn't make enough money and doesn't try as hard as he says he will and I think he is lazy and doesn't follow through which makes me not respect him professionally very much at all. In fact, I don't think we respect each other anymore, I don't know how to gain that back either. I need a starting point here, of I guess at 38 I throw in the towel, live alone again, and work all the time with nothing, no one but myself, friends and pets? Thank You kindly for your time and apologies for the length.
Brief Answer:
Marital Therapy is a solution
Detailed Answer:
Hello,
Thanks for choosing health care magic for posting your query.
I have gone through your question in detail and I can understand what you are going through.
The marriage is not in the right state and this needs to be worked on. I agree that ones there is physical abuse component, then it becomes all the more difficult to set it right. Marital therapy is a specialized counselling technique wherein the therapist sits with both of you together and makes efforts in making you and your husband understand each other. Some limit setting is established and small goals are tried to be accomplished. It may take 10-20 weekly sessions, but if both of you want this marriage to continue, then the efforts have to be put in. I have seen very bad marriages getting improved with marital therapy and if properly done can help in your marriage as well.
Also it seems that you are having a depression as well. This needs to be taken care of while we are working on the marital therapy. Depression can occur with regular stress and it can also occur biologically without any stress as well. You need proper treatment for the same. There are various effective therapies for depression like fluoxetine, venlafaxine, bupropion, mirtazapine or escitalopram and they are all very effective and mostly safe. You may also require some benzodiazepines like clonazepam or lorazepam for a short period like 2-3 weeks to reduce the anxiety and help with your sleep.
If you are averse to the drug therapies then there is also an option of cognitive behavioural therapy. This therapy is taken by either a psychologist or a psychiatrist in which the therapist identifies impaired cognitions (Thoughts) and try to correct them. They are 15-20 min weekly session and there should be around 8-10 sessions to help you with your illness.
Do meet your doctor and get referrals for a clinical psychologist. He can address your depression as well as the marital therapy sessions.
Hope I am able to answer your concerns.
If you have any further query, I would be glad to help you.
If not, you may close the discussion and if possible you may rate the answer for me, so that I get a good feedback.
In future if you wish to contact me directly, you can use the below mentioned link:
bit.ly/dr-srikanth-reddy
Wish you good health,
Kind regards
Dr. Srikanth Reddy M.D.
Marital Therapy is a solution
Detailed Answer:
Hello,
Thanks for choosing health care magic for posting your query.
I have gone through your question in detail and I can understand what you are going through.
The marriage is not in the right state and this needs to be worked on. I agree that ones there is physical abuse component, then it becomes all the more difficult to set it right. Marital therapy is a specialized counselling technique wherein the therapist sits with both of you together and makes efforts in making you and your husband understand each other. Some limit setting is established and small goals are tried to be accomplished. It may take 10-20 weekly sessions, but if both of you want this marriage to continue, then the efforts have to be put in. I have seen very bad marriages getting improved with marital therapy and if properly done can help in your marriage as well.
Also it seems that you are having a depression as well. This needs to be taken care of while we are working on the marital therapy. Depression can occur with regular stress and it can also occur biologically without any stress as well. You need proper treatment for the same. There are various effective therapies for depression like fluoxetine, venlafaxine, bupropion, mirtazapine or escitalopram and they are all very effective and mostly safe. You may also require some benzodiazepines like clonazepam or lorazepam for a short period like 2-3 weeks to reduce the anxiety and help with your sleep.
If you are averse to the drug therapies then there is also an option of cognitive behavioural therapy. This therapy is taken by either a psychologist or a psychiatrist in which the therapist identifies impaired cognitions (Thoughts) and try to correct them. They are 15-20 min weekly session and there should be around 8-10 sessions to help you with your illness.
Do meet your doctor and get referrals for a clinical psychologist. He can address your depression as well as the marital therapy sessions.
Hope I am able to answer your concerns.
If you have any further query, I would be glad to help you.
If not, you may close the discussion and if possible you may rate the answer for me, so that I get a good feedback.
In future if you wish to contact me directly, you can use the below mentioned link:
bit.ly/dr-srikanth-reddy
Wish you good health,
Kind regards
Dr. Srikanth Reddy M.D.
Note: For further guidance on mental health, Click here.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
Answered by
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