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Suggest Ways To Deal With Someone With Bullying And Antagonistic Qualities
Question: My neighbor for purposes of this question is attentive to every detail, has put me on a magazine gift subscription with her daughter and her family has moved to this area and to an area I grew up in and to a state capitol as I live in a state capitol. However, she is sarcastic and sends emails with different errors in them and copied part of my house on their remodel but never mentioned it or showed it to me, I would not normally notice it.I would think she would say " I liked the staircase so made it like yours would you like to see it." I am used to up front relationships with my friends where I feel comfortable and even had one that did not like me but was a "friend" and treated me with respect. Will this affect me long-term and what should I do? I think she is always placing people in her life in conflict with each other so they compete and this makes her feel safe, such as, she would not have to move due to unpleasant relationships, someone else would. If everyone is friendly she creates the "enemy" in a way, and everyone falls into line or works with that, sort of...
I think I could be polite but if I should minimize contact, am not sure if this means not contacting her and then after awhile what to do? I know they say to get away from "bullying". I am not sure of her character and she is elderly so may have mental issues associated with that, which are private, or can be, right?
So, looking for guidelines if there are any from you, as to how to determine the relationship's quality.
"Better" determine this relationship quality.
I think I could be polite but if I should minimize contact, am not sure if this means not contacting her and then after awhile what to do? I know they say to get away from "bullying". I am not sure of her character and she is elderly so may have mental issues associated with that, which are private, or can be, right?
So, looking for guidelines if there are any from you, as to how to determine the relationship's quality.
"Better" determine this relationship quality.
Brief Answer:
Please Answer a few questions.
Detailed Answer:
Hi,
Wellcome to Health Care Magic.
I am Dr.Muhammad Ahmad I have read your question and will come up with as comprehensive an answer i can come up with.
I would need you to answer a few questions.
1) Does this relation make you happy?
2) Is it adding positives in your life?
3) Do you look forward to be with your neighbour or you have doubts if this will end up well or not?
4) What option feels more safe your innderself? staying away from her or risking a relationship?
5) Can you survive in the relation with the stuff she does? like copying and all that?
6) After meeting her when you come back to home , do you feel happy about that meeting or you are thinking about things which better not have happened?
i am waiting for your input.
Dr.Muhammad Ahmad
Resident M.D.
Please Answer a few questions.
Detailed Answer:
Hi,
Wellcome to Health Care Magic.
I am Dr.Muhammad Ahmad I have read your question and will come up with as comprehensive an answer i can come up with.
I would need you to answer a few questions.
1) Does this relation make you happy?
2) Is it adding positives in your life?
3) Do you look forward to be with your neighbour or you have doubts if this will end up well or not?
4) What option feels more safe your innderself? staying away from her or risking a relationship?
5) Can you survive in the relation with the stuff she does? like copying and all that?
6) After meeting her when you come back to home , do you feel happy about that meeting or you are thinking about things which better not have happened?
i am waiting for your input.
Dr.Muhammad Ahmad
Resident M.D.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
1. It is a friend which to me adds to my security and I would miss it if gone. It makes me happy but I had these doubts about it which I have voiced in the question here.
2. Sort of positive in that they are neighbors. It could be better in terms of what you are saying, the positives, but I have the subscription and contact for an extensive length of time which may add up to a significant positive.
3. I look forward to it. I have been wary of maybe dishonesty or competitive qualities which some people utilizes in social interactions.
4. When I have doubts I feel safe staying away, for instance she did not share some things which I feel could have been shared. Like someone would say they were active in a foundation and what they were doing unless she was protecting me from rejection, you know some people are rejecting people in a group some times.
5. Thanks for this question. It gets to how I am feeling about this. If the copying was positive I could survive. If copied and not told or if negative it would be less survival oriented and disappointing, depressing even...
6. It feels good, I know what you mean about this though and there have been times I wondered about something subtle and I do not like people excluding me even if it is a private thing between them, I like to be sure and not have that doubt. I like to have a certain "inside track" with someone, is that the quality I need? And if it is not there, better to be polite but not personal? What level of connection given that?
Thank you very much for being there and just these questions have helped, Doctor.
Along the same lines, should you allow friendship with someone who has lied to you once or "crossed" you once? What to do with someone like that? No second chances?
2. Sort of positive in that they are neighbors. It could be better in terms of what you are saying, the positives, but I have the subscription and contact for an extensive length of time which may add up to a significant positive.
3. I look forward to it. I have been wary of maybe dishonesty or competitive qualities which some people utilizes in social interactions.
4. When I have doubts I feel safe staying away, for instance she did not share some things which I feel could have been shared. Like someone would say they were active in a foundation and what they were doing unless she was protecting me from rejection, you know some people are rejecting people in a group some times.
5. Thanks for this question. It gets to how I am feeling about this. If the copying was positive I could survive. If copied and not told or if negative it would be less survival oriented and disappointing, depressing even...
6. It feels good, I know what you mean about this though and there have been times I wondered about something subtle and I do not like people excluding me even if it is a private thing between them, I like to be sure and not have that doubt. I like to have a certain "inside track" with someone, is that the quality I need? And if it is not there, better to be polite but not personal? What level of connection given that?
Thank you very much for being there and just these questions have helped, Doctor.
Along the same lines, should you allow friendship with someone who has lied to you once or "crossed" you once? What to do with someone like that? No second chances?
Brief Answer:
Here is my opinion
Detailed Answer:
HI,
Thanks for writing back,
I hope you had a great weekend.
Ok now as i know much about this matter, i will just keep this discussion going in an educational way, lets share thoughts and hope fully till we reach the end of it, you will be able to think more clearly.
>>Is it a good relationship?
Well simple definition of a good relationship is a relationship which goes easy on your mind and life, you don't have to force yourself to keep it, it makes you happy more than it hurts you(if ever).
If you think your relations comes into this criteria then your relation is good otherwise answer is NO.
Her as a person:
Well , one thing is a fact, no one is perfect and every body lacks one thing or the other, and has got one quality or the other, When we consider, if a person is good for relationship we weigh qualities against short comings and then we decide if its a relation worth preferring or not. Now there are few short comings in a person which weigh so much that you can not survive in a relation with them and there may be a good quality which can weigh more than all his/her bad qualities in your eyes.
Now it's upto you , what can you bar and what you can't and what weighs more in your eyes, sit back and think about her good and bad things and weigh them against each other, if you can't survive with her bad habits then its useless to try holding on to the relation because it will never make you happy and those relation which don't make you happy are called bad relations , and life is too short to keep hanging to bad relations.
If her positives weigh more than negatives and you want to hold on, then why not act like the upfront relationship person you are, call her home for a tea time chit chat and in a polite way share with her what issues are teasing you , two things will happen then, either she would change or atleast try to change or she wouldnt pay heed o what you feel or said, if she even tries to make things better she is the friend you would like to hold on to ,,, otherwise i guess it should gradually be put to an end or atleast you shouldn't bother much about her then.
I would leave the choice on your shoulders i am just suggesting a way of working things out.
And in the end if after all this, if you decide to stay in the relation then you gotta ignore her negatives, just tell your self that she is trying or tell yourself tht you yourself gave her positives more weight than negatives so this shouldn't get onto your nerves.
I just wanna share that nature of a person seldom changes, specially if one doesn't try so don't expect her to change by herself or change altogether, there is no ON-OFF switch in human habits, if you can't ignore her habits, keeping this relation will only make you miserable.
"She is elderly and might have mental issues" , well i guess if she is smart enough to copy your things, ideas, and make people compete, she can not be ignored, you can't decide about her mental issues but yes you can decide if you are gonna let her ruin your peace of mind or not. Find a good reason if you wanna let yourself keep suffering, you will need a reason to satisfy yourself, Otherwise you would find yourself caught between a bad relation which you are trying to hold on to, and ,guilt of consciously hurting yourself and ruining your peace of mind.
Contrary to that if you decide to hold on and you are able to ignore her negatives then you will have a great relation which will make you happy.
You said you are an upfront person , and she ain't, well realistically speaking, now in this age, she isn't gonna change much even if she tries, so just ask yourself are you prepared to have such friend, can you live with such relation? if yes then go for it otherwise consider other options.
I think I would sum up my opinion here, if you have any input i am all ears..
Stay blessed.
Dr.Muhammad Ahmad
Resident M.D.
Here is my opinion
Detailed Answer:
HI,
Thanks for writing back,
I hope you had a great weekend.
Ok now as i know much about this matter, i will just keep this discussion going in an educational way, lets share thoughts and hope fully till we reach the end of it, you will be able to think more clearly.
>>Is it a good relationship?
Well simple definition of a good relationship is a relationship which goes easy on your mind and life, you don't have to force yourself to keep it, it makes you happy more than it hurts you(if ever).
If you think your relations comes into this criteria then your relation is good otherwise answer is NO.
Her as a person:
Well , one thing is a fact, no one is perfect and every body lacks one thing or the other, and has got one quality or the other, When we consider, if a person is good for relationship we weigh qualities against short comings and then we decide if its a relation worth preferring or not. Now there are few short comings in a person which weigh so much that you can not survive in a relation with them and there may be a good quality which can weigh more than all his/her bad qualities in your eyes.
Now it's upto you , what can you bar and what you can't and what weighs more in your eyes, sit back and think about her good and bad things and weigh them against each other, if you can't survive with her bad habits then its useless to try holding on to the relation because it will never make you happy and those relation which don't make you happy are called bad relations , and life is too short to keep hanging to bad relations.
If her positives weigh more than negatives and you want to hold on, then why not act like the upfront relationship person you are, call her home for a tea time chit chat and in a polite way share with her what issues are teasing you , two things will happen then, either she would change or atleast try to change or she wouldnt pay heed o what you feel or said, if she even tries to make things better she is the friend you would like to hold on to ,,, otherwise i guess it should gradually be put to an end or atleast you shouldn't bother much about her then.
I would leave the choice on your shoulders i am just suggesting a way of working things out.
And in the end if after all this, if you decide to stay in the relation then you gotta ignore her negatives, just tell your self that she is trying or tell yourself tht you yourself gave her positives more weight than negatives so this shouldn't get onto your nerves.
I just wanna share that nature of a person seldom changes, specially if one doesn't try so don't expect her to change by herself or change altogether, there is no ON-OFF switch in human habits, if you can't ignore her habits, keeping this relation will only make you miserable.
"She is elderly and might have mental issues" , well i guess if she is smart enough to copy your things, ideas, and make people compete, she can not be ignored, you can't decide about her mental issues but yes you can decide if you are gonna let her ruin your peace of mind or not. Find a good reason if you wanna let yourself keep suffering, you will need a reason to satisfy yourself, Otherwise you would find yourself caught between a bad relation which you are trying to hold on to, and ,guilt of consciously hurting yourself and ruining your peace of mind.
Contrary to that if you decide to hold on and you are able to ignore her negatives then you will have a great relation which will make you happy.
You said you are an upfront person , and she ain't, well realistically speaking, now in this age, she isn't gonna change much even if she tries, so just ask yourself are you prepared to have such friend, can you live with such relation? if yes then go for it otherwise consider other options.
I think I would sum up my opinion here, if you have any input i am all ears..
Stay blessed.
Dr.Muhammad Ahmad
Resident M.D.
Note: For further guidance on mental health, Click here.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
Answered by
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