What Are The Symptoms Of Schizoid Personality Disorder?

Question : I have a problem. I think that I am perfectly normal and not currently on any medications. But somehow and somewhere. Back in my mind I feel that I am some sort of an entity. The way I may explain it is like purposely fooling your birthday in your brain. For example. If your birthday really is Dec.1,2000. You choose to think it being XXXXXXX 1,1999. I know this sounds completely strange, weird and insane. In fact completely ridiculous and ludicrous. And you may be wondering if I am a comedian, looking for attention, suicidal, psychotic, been taking drugs, or some kind of a dumb ass with a stupid idiotic notion. I am sorry to make anyone feel that way. Most of all. I feel helpless, alone and isolated. I also think you may be wondering what do you mean by "an entity." I wish not to say cause then I would probably start crying inside. Not literally. Kind of keeping a straight face as in poker and never wanting anyone to know. This has been going on for a long time. I am not depressed believe it or not. I am just not understanding it. Whenever I go and do things that look very promising and may be happy and fulfilled. I become a little self conscious, humiliated and embarrassed. I start all of a sudden going back to my thought in the back of my mind. Okay. I will say it. I may be needing immediate medical attention and see a psychiatrist for my problem. But that is why I am here. I need your help. I may form a deduction. That I am just afraid of people. Meaning I am an introvert in large groups of strangers. But completely extroverted in a handful of people. And the issue may be that since I would be as honest as possible to my friends. I may feel that others are not honest to me about who they are and what they do. Leading me to become suspicious and feeling worthless. I may also derive in the conclusion that I am simply someone who easily judges and makes an intuition without knowing that person. My long periods of loneliness may have made be feel like a loser. And my intention of trying to be successful and happy leads to the biggest fear of being a failure. Going back to the thought in the back of mind which I cannot avoid if I feel like a piece of trash. I am concerned about myself. I looking everywhere in the world through the internet. I look back at myself now presently. And think. I am such a big nobody with nothing to offer only nonsense ideas and imagination. Which frankly put. Nobody will care about cause I don't have any credentials, experience or talent to begin with. I fool myself constantly yes I am special to myself. Perhaps that is why I have this thought in the back of my mind. Then when I try to mingle with people in the real world. I become pressured to make myself better as not to feel like I just a man actin' like a big shot when he didn't even do anything! So I exercise hard. Dance hard. I do things which I would not do. Like beer for example. Just to somehow captivate the attention of good group of people especially one girl who sees me and may like me. I find that hard to do. Every time when I want to talk to someone. I find myself in inclusion. Cause I go back feeling that I should have done better things in my life. I should have become an astrophysicist, astronaut, computer science programmer etc. To make myself feel more honored and proud. That I am a nobody. The only thing I really show anything at all if I may even mention it. It is just dancing around like a jackass all alone. I pretend that I am so good and that nobody may dance with me. Then when people begin to notice I wish I may run away. Cause I was living in my own fantasy. That even includes girls. I pretend that I am on a date with someone in public and that I am talking to her. When someone sees me. I go back in facing the hard truth that I am all alone. I cannot talk these thing to family. Cause it is hard to do. They will be sad especially my mom. So I end up keeping it inside and try to briefly mention it to a friend. I think she may think I am crazy. I also may think that I have such high expectations that I am finally realizing the truth that I am who I am. I am not special or have any special kind of gift. Including dancing or whatever. That I should face reality and not be scared of being hurting my inner false pride. I do not know what else I should say. I wanted to say this to someone. I beginning to feel that perhaps I should not be so hard on myself either. Anyway that is what I have to say. If it sounds weird and strange. So be it. At least I said it. Now it is your turn to respond. And one last thing before I end this long conjecture of sentences. I am extremely attracted to beautiful young women. Or at least fascinated by the act of sexual intercourse and pleasure. However in the real world or real life. I am shy as hell and simply would ignore any pretty young lady. Keeping my poker face intact. I am not some perverted sexual rapist man. I may get my head kicked in by an eight year old girl for crying out loud. It is something that crops up in my mind when I am dancing. Embarrassing that I made myself by uttering all these things. Once again. So be it. At least you do not know me or never met me in your entire life. And that to me is why I most likely wrote all this. Cause if you knew me personally. I would be really freaking out. That is why I needed to tell someone who does not know me.

Thank you Dr. XXXXXXX XXXXXXX M.D.

I will seriously consider this diagnosis by you. This has affected me greatly in social situations and my life in general. It has been very difficult for me living in fantasy worlds. I do need some form of treatment and I will try seeking a therapist specializing in behavioral therapy in my local area.

If not too costly. Or I may see a shrink to further any more questions in person and possible take medications.

I hoping that this diagnosis is accurate and that I will not face this illness for the rest of my life as it becomes extremely hard.

Thank you very much.