What Causes Painful Intercourse With One Partner And Not With The Other?

Posted on Thu, 14 Apr 2016

Medically reviewed by Ask A Doctor - 24x7 Medical Review Team

Thu, 14 Apr 2016 Answered on

Fri, 10 Jun 2016 Last reviewed on

Question : my wife and i have been married for 34 years and i found out about two months ago that she had an a four year affair that ended 8 years ago when i asked her why she said one of the reason was because sex was painful with me,and that she was attracted to the other guy and when they started having sex she she noticed it was pleasurable and not painful and she started liking sex again.I want to add that every since we got married she has told me she didn't like sex or least not as much as i do,but one thing i know for sure is she almost always had and orgasm even if was using a vibrator to achieve and orgasm,and she told me that all of the times in four years that they had sex she only had and orgasm with him one time and that was because they never used any help.My question is, there any chance she is telling me the truth or is she still lieing to me as she has for i don't know how long.

Answered by Dr. Bonnie Berger-Durnbaugh (1 hour later)

Brief Answer:
Some information:

Detailed Answer:
Hello and welcome,

I am sorry about this situation. Unless you had a previously agree on open marriage, this has to come as a large blow to you. I strongly recommend marriage counseling to work through this as otherwise, without a mediator, this will very likely remain a big scar.

It is possible that she had orgasms with you and not with the other man because it sounds like the only way for her to have an orgasm has been with a vibrator - am I getting that right? And it's possible intercourse was uncomfortable but then the stimulation from the vibrator allowed her to reach orgasm.

There is probably a lot more to her sexual relationship with the other man that she may not even have processed, such as perhaps she did not reach orgasm because of guilt feelings, etc.

So it is hard to sort out if she is lying or unaware, or if her description of the experience was truly the case for what happened.

About why sex was painful, this should be looked into also. Sometimes this happens when penetration begins before a woman is adequately aroused. It's also possible that there were other reasons, such as if there were difficulties in your marriage.

So I think the next step would be to get a good marriage counselor. And you may get your answer there in the course of discussing this in a deeper more detailed way in a safe place.

I hope this information helps. And I am sorry.

Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar

Follow up: Dr. Bonnie Berger-Durnbaugh (4 days later)

It really didn't answer my question ,simply put if my wife is having vaginal pain with me is it possible not to with another man.

Answered by Dr. Bonnie Berger-Durnbaugh (4 hours later)

Brief Answer:
Yes, this is possible

Detailed Answer:
Yes, it is possible for a woman to have painful sex with one man and not with another. It may be due to different amount of arousal, size of penis, or other factors.

Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar