Question: My wife and I have been married for two years, and together for six. She claimed to have had a very abusive childhood, but I recently found out that it wasn't as bad as she had said. When I met her she had left all her family due to this abuse, and I had no cause to doubt her. We had a very loving and caring relationship and up to the time she left me, we were trying to get pregnant.

Ten months ago she went for a drive and never came home. She moved in with a colleague from work, and said she doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to see me. We met twice in the days after and she was a completely different person, with a vacant stare and completely irrational. She has now prevented any attempt to contact her, and refuses to speak with anyone who ever cared about her. However, she has since got back in touch with her ‘abusive’ family.

She has gained a large amount of weight, the job she once loved is going badly and she hates it, and the guy she is now with is very strange and unsociable. I have heard from her colleagues that she is being treated for depression.

I have been in touch with her family to let them know my concerns, and that's how I found out that although her dad was emotionally abusive, it was not as bad as she had claimed. Also, she has told her family I was a horrible and controlling person - which I don't believe is the case, but I think some of her family believe this to be true.

She has always had low self esteem and needed constant reassurance of my love and attraction to her. She never approved of me having female friends, and indirectly made me get rid of my friends one by one. She could never keep a job as she always felt bullied. I have really only realised all these problems since she has left. I am convinced she has unresolved issues from her childhood, and that these must have something to do with her being depressed.

The last two months she has rejoined groups/charities we used to do together and she has got in touch with an old mutual friend. She told them she is on antidepressants, in therapy and is happy without me. She spoke with these people even though she knew I would hear about it. She told them she wants kids ASAP. She is still with the other guy. She crashed her car a few months ago and got in a lot of debt.

I have read everything and anything about depression and I think, looking back, that she is bipolar. I have not made any attempt to contact her for the last 5 months in order to not cause more distress.

Am I fooling myself in thinking she may come out of it and seek me out? I have been looking after myself, I am out socialising and I have had three holidays with friends etc. I am well. Any help, insight or guidance would be greatly appreciated. This is the very first time anything like this has happened to us but she did leave the family home without warning when she was 18 to live with her boyfriend who she was engaged to a year later. She then left him claiming he was abusive and then we got together. She was in therapy when she was younger but I don't know where are with who, I only found this out after she left also.

I will not give up on her. I have read continuously for the last 9 months, I know the pitfalls and the difficulties with these relationships. I will not give up on her just because she suffers from a mental illness, she is my soulmate. But what, if anything can I do aside from leaving her alone in the hope she takes charge and tries to come back...

Thank you for the quick reply.

If she has this illness, she may have done this with insight but would her judgement be clouded by it?

Is there anything I can do at all?

I wish I could but I can't. I love her too much and I understand the whole codependency area I am feeling and the reasons why but I still have hope.

Thank you for your advice and insight.