Hi, I ve never talked to anyone about this. Since I can remember I have had secret self destructive tendencies that were not considered as real because they were never part of my shared reality - only I knew about them - like ghosts that I can only see. These patterns have slowly transformed into an untameable beast of destruction that is destroying my life and the lives of who I love. I have a high profile job and appearances that are becoming harder and harder to maintain. - When I was 19, I developed a fetish for being infected with STIs. I used to cry as I couldn t understand why such risk and thought could be sexy. When I was 21 I became HIV positive. When I was 23, I offered various online encounters large sums of money if they would kill me. One of them was close. When I was 24 I developed an attraction for being used like a junkie as a fantasy. I got drunk one night and I met someone online who injected me with crystal meth. When I was 26, my worthless became something that during sex would become sexy. I hated this as much as I hated fantasised about being infected, yet when I was 28 I started to hook up with people who would use me for money. Last year, I would just want people to destroy me and invited people who robbed me and I knew they would. Today, I am 29. I am HIV positive, I take crystal meth by myself and have been robbed by many people. I can assure you that all I have written sounds as disgusting to you that to me. I feel like there are two people living in my body. There is a darker me that overtakes and only knows destruction. All these tendencies have been a secret for many many years. That is why they have been allowed to grow bigger. It hasn t been treated like reality. But I do need help. One can t escape oneself. I am a danger to myself. Please help.