How does one reconcile the idea that their method of thought is somehow corrupt or wrong? It doesn t even seem in the realm of possibility to me, and my thoughts maintain themselves in that realm, so they feel wise in that sense. That s the question I ve been asking myself for over 15 years since being diagnosed with Bipolar II. Unwilling to accept the reality that regardless of what my thoughts and feelings are, regardless of how precious I consider my unique thought process to be, society deems it unfit, so therefore to exist I must conform. I m hoping the true reality of acceptance is much less a burden than I present. This is how far I ve come on my own. I need help going further. I m starting to doubt my unrelentless grasp to this concept. It s world crushing to try to accept. I m experiencing an emotional overload just putting all this in words, knowing that someone is going to consider them. The fear of judgement, of sentencing, is so strong it terrifies me into paralyzation. To consider myself the least bit self-aware, I must accept that the behavior I present is destructive to myself and others. Why? What happened? How do I prevent it from happening to my kids? Who s to blame? To exist is painful, to not exist is not something I m willing to seriously consider at the moment. Where s the middle? I m so tired of searching for answers, I m exhausted. My friends and family are exhausted. Life would be maniacally insensitive to truly exist the way I ve constructed it in my mind. I need to be reinvented, remolded. Is the fact that my mind immediately goes to this idea that I am considered a harm to myself? I need to hit submit before I loses my nerve.