What Causes Heaviness In Shoulder?

Hi I don t know what s wrong with me. I feel a heaviness in my left shoulder and I feel constantly frustrated with an urge to kick my legs and cry. I have anxiety about not being good enough. I m a Muslim but have lost interest in the things which I was passionate about before in my religion. I have evil thoughts and conversations in my head with myself and I keep laughing inside at my own sadness and at other peoples too. I m always doubting everything and can t make any friends because of fear of not being good enough and because of social phobia. I m soo negative and I ve pushed my family away to a point where I can t be around some of them without feeling anxious. I m soo confused I Don t know what to do. I spoke to my GP briefly I only told her part of my symptoms and shes recommended anti depressants which I m hesitant on taking. Therapy is a no no because of the expense and I m not comfortable to talk bout my feelings I d end up crying the whole session and then will feel stupid after. That s another thing, I keep telling myself I m doing this for attention and showing off but I just want to feel normal! I want to be okay again . Sorry this is so long, any feedback will be appreciated thanks. Sam.