What Is The Treatment For Extreme Depression?

Ok I need to come clean with myself and you the person reason reading.

I feel like a failure I feel depressed I feel small and unimportant. I have never admitted this but I talk to someone who does not exist. I am so weird I don’t know why I am but I am. I’ve always had a problem with my gender I am a boy but I act like a girl. I do girly things I like girly clothes; I look at girls and think I could pull the look off better than you. But I am a boy. A skinny lonely weird self talking freak that people think is gay I hide behind my new clothes and trainers I think I am cool but deep down I am sad.

Ever since my dad died when I really feel depressed or anxious I talk to captain jack who talks to me but never helps I always wonder why his eyes are red why he only turns up when I am down in a deep dark hole someday he is with me everywhere in town, at the pub, at the doctors, sitting on my bed. Usually he always turns up as soon as I feel down everyone I know will talk about my weight I hate being as skinny as I am I hate the fact I look like a little boy but I am 23 yrs old. I have to pretend I am buying clothes for my gf when I’m buying them for me because I am embarrassed to go to the kids sections because I’m so skinny. I don’t like to see family because they always say I’ve lost more weight and people I meet I know they think that I am too skinny but I have tried to put on weigh I can’t. I can’t eat lots it make me feel sick I am crying while writing this because I am so sad to be writing this why cant I be normal why can’t people leave me alone. I am what I am. In a way I might as well lose weight then I can live up to their expectations.

I have tried so many times to kill myself, I hang around little train station with trains going fast past so when I jump I will be dead in the open fresh air but jack always gives me a horrid look a look I find disturbing and to tell you the truth out of this world. I am sick of this world I can’t do life anymore I search around suicide forums all night long to read of many stories of people like me that want this to end but cannot do it. I don’t want to die taking pills or cutting my wrist I want to go out on a bang then everyone will notice me but for the right reason. I need help but who do ii turn to? My friends who will be shocked or won’t believe it because they think I am one of them but I am not I don’t even like most of them. How can I tell my mum or my brother my mum will just cry and cry and my brother will probely just say I told u he was gay can’t handle it so wants to quit like a woman. Sometimes I try and stay in on my own but jacks plays with my mind and I have to go out he always wants to talk about bad things in my life bad things vie done bad things I am going to do. I like jack he is always here for me when I am down but is he here for my benefit or will he drag me down into an early grave. I will never know......

I know I need help but I cannot get help. My family will not help my friends will think vie lost the plot and weird and jack will keep staring at me like he is now with them red bloody eyes. I have wondered into them red eyes they look like my blood somehow it sounds very weird but it’s not an evil red it’s a light maroon blood red. The only time I feel normal is when I’m at my dad’s grave. No one is there. It’s so peaceful and quiet. No family no friends no jack. Just me, the wind and my dad seven feet under. I still remember the day they buried him I will never forget it. I don’t think anyone in my life knows about these problems I don’t like to talk about them well I don’t think people think I have these problems I mean I would be crazy to be talking like this. I once wanted a family 2 children a wife a house but instead I can do coke and drink until the cows come home so I can try and forget my sad mental life in 15mins and what type of father will I be? A drunken, woman beating, coke fuelled dickhead.

In my religion if I committed suicide it would be shameful on my family I do think of my mum allot and try n stay sane for her. I’m scared that if I go to the doctors they will admitted me to the loony bin and then everyone will think I’m proper weird because I spent time in a mental house. Will I even have friends or family if I do c a doctor? I’ve been crying lots recently it helps me sleep thinking about what a disgrace I am to my family and to my friends. Sometimes like now I am hungry but just won’t eat because I need to be skinny for people to have something to talk about I often see girls looking at me and I wonder what r they thinking? Why are they so fat when I’m so skinny? I would love to be fat like 19 stone so then everyone can talk about something else not that I am skinny but I am fat. How much longer am I going to live like this? I can’t do this anymore, I can’t even look in the mirror to see they weird person that I am. Can I try and do something about this now or leave it until it’s too late.

I am always there for people, a really nice person, I listen to their problems I give them advice I give them love I give them hope. I don’t know why I just wrote all this but I hope this helps me somehow someway. I never used to be like this. There is more but how much more hurt and shame can i bring forward.

I used to be happy you know. I used play football, go out with my friends and enjoy myself now I just feel dead from inside.

I love my mum and even my brother

I love Sam Ronnie and Chris my friends

But I love the thought of no more