What To Do If Having Suicidal Tendency After Mother's And Brother's Death And A Pathological Liar As A Father?

In 2007, my mother choked to death at the age of 60. She had MS. My father admitted to leaving the house because he had just exasperated my mom and didn't want to do it again. In 2010, my brother died on Saturday, March 20th which is my birthday. He always sent me a birthday card but I didnt receive one. We found him dead on Friday, March 26th. He had a massive heart attack at the age of 39. I am not going into details but my father is partially responsible for his death. My father is a pathological liar, a verbal and physical abuser, and has destroyed many lives. My brother's death opened pandoras box. I am 48 and wake up every day crying and struggling not to kill myself. I have this on my mind 24/7. I don't want to be here anymore. There is so much more terrible things that have happened. I can't take the pain anymore. I have tried taking my life via pills but ended up throwing up for 4 hours. Life is a beautiful lie. Its a game and I lost.